Getting my Ariel on: The Melbourne Aquarium

So it was off to the Aquarium this week, Jarrod and it may surprise you to hear that I approached this little outing with some apprehension. You see, where aquariums are concerned, I suffer your classic Fight or Flight physiological reaction. From my time on the psychologists couch (ie. time on my couch, half watching Dr Phil, half browsing Etsy, eating peanut butter on toast)  I can trace this vague sense of unease back to two root causes. Number one:  I had to go to the orthodontist as a little 8 year old (nawwww!) to get my braces tightened every few weeks, and he had huge fish tanks in his waiting room. They were there to relax the clients, which is all fine and well, but fast forward 30 years and you have a grown adult who sweats profusely and gets sudden onset of lockjaw when she so much as walks past a pet store that sells fish.

Number two: the (ahem, admittedly widely panned) movie Jaws 3. It  takes place in a marine park and (spoiler alert) the angry momma shark just smashes through the aquarium glass tunnels, like they’re vending machines that took her cash and failed to deliver the tasty human treat she purchased.

Yes, it’s a complete shlock movie. Yes, the special effects are awful, but you’re looking at a woman who didn’t swim in anything other than a chlorinated pool for 3 full years after seeing the film Killer Fish. Because she was afraid of Pirhanas. In Australia. The Jaws series scared the living hell out of me.

Nonetheless, on a bitterly chilly winter day I decided it was time to get over this irrational phobia and headed into town. The Aquarium is located on the banks of the Yarra, near the corner of Flinders and King Streets. Easily accessible by public transport and being close to Southbank there are a myriad of options for lunch nearby (including fish and chips in case you’ve worked up an appetite). My adult ticket cost $38.

And the first tank to greet me featured this little cutie. Way to set the tone, Melbourne Aquarium! I felt more settled almost immediately. He’s a greeting fish (that’s not his scientific name obviously, it’s essentially the job title I’ve assigned him). Front of house is pretty damn important, so I imagine that he’d be relentlessly chipper and upbeat. Like a greeter at Gap, who’s always having a GREAT DAY, as opposed to say, the greeters they have at K Mart, whose body language and deflated demeanour says “you’re here to buy a five pack of undies for $8. I’m not going to ask you how your life’s going. It’s pretty obvious.”

From there it was into the bay of rays for an encounter with the somewhat unfortunate, nostrilally abundant Elephant Shark. Bless him, he looks so good natured and optimistic, despite his veiny face and floppy nose. He reminded me a little of Mr Snuffleupugus from Sesame Street. Then of course, I started to get paranoid that like Big Bird, I was the only one who could see him. It was time to move along.

This sly dog waited till I had my lens pointed squarely at one of the elephant sharks and zoomed up in the foreground for the best, most utterly comprehensive photo bomb ever. He looks rather pleased with himself, doesn’t he? Some have said that he looks a bit dopey but I think he’s sporting a droll smirk, and that he probably floated away murmuring a very drawn out, Alan Rickman-esque “na-il-ed….it-t!”

I also got to hold a shark egg casing. I turn your attention to Exhibit A below: Your honour, only something as evil as a shark would lay an egg that looks like a drill bit. The prosecution rests.

Then it was into the Coral Caves where creatures that look like swimming guinea pigs share aquatic real estate with Nemo and Dory. (Truly, how did this dog paddling guinea pig sneak past the velvet rope to mix with all the pretty fish??) It’s a bit bright and flashy and I’m also not realllllly convinced about the coral that’s shaped like pirate treasure chests…

Moving along, I loved this pretty lady with all her willowy spikes, only they are apparently quite poisonous. She had a beautiful, melancholy little fish face. Like a marine Greta Garbo.

She shares a tank with a Moray Eel, who slithered out of a hiding hole with the speed and vigour of Reptile Boy from Buffy, Season 4–

Once he turns to face camera however, he looks less like the encapsulation of virility and more like a leering, decrepit old man who’s lost his false teeth.

From there I headed around to the shark tank, where I lingered for a good 90 seconds of quality lip chewing and atrial fibrillation. I got this pic, then almost immediately one of the sharks started to swim AT the glass with a look in his eye that told me he had spotted a weak point in the window, so I fled as calmly as possible.

Had a wander through the glass tunnels where you could see the suicidal idiots people who’d sprung for the swim with sharks. On the day I was there it appeared that they were being lined up for a mafioso style shooting.

So naturally, I wandered over to the opposite window, because if movies and TV have taught me anything about the mafia, it’s that witness protection is a joke, so you’re better off not seeing anything.

They now have a crocodile at the Aquarium, a 5m long, 750kg beast named Pinjarra. I’m not 100% certain, but I think that is Aboriginal for “I will kill you in a death roll and devour you.” A group of absolute bloody fools fascinated visitors hung around to get photos and listen to a presentation about him, but I didn’t even pause mid stride. Call me CRAZY but when you’re talking about a carnivore that weighs 750kg plus, I like to have something more substantial than  ‘a really strong piece of perspex’ between us.

Instead, I proceeded into the Seahorse Pier area to check out these extraordinary little beauties!

I also learned that perhaps John Lithgow was onto something back in Footloose, banning music in the small midWestern town because look–all it takes is DANCING and wham! you wind up pregnant!!!

The last exhibit you visit before it’s time for the classic ‘exit via the gift shop’ is the penguin playground, which houses both King and Gentoo penguins. If I’m to be completely honest, I was a little saddened by this enclosure. Don’t get me wrong, they’re adorable, but–oh, how best to describe it? If I had to draw a human parallel, it was like they were at a party where the lights are too bright, there’s no music, no alcohol, and in spite of this (or perhaps because of it) people have shit all over the white carpet.

Nonetheless, I took lots of photos–

There were penguins that are still convinced planking is a thing…

Penguins that liked one another but didn’t know how to express it–

Penguins who had violated the dress code–

Penguins who had fallen for classic party practical jokes–

Penguins having a neighbourly gossip across the fence:

And penguins who seemed destined to always be on the outside looking in 🙁

When it’s all said and done I had a lovely couple of hours wandering through the Sea Life Melbourne Aquarium, but I’ll throw to the gorgeous coral camo seahorse for the all important final question: