The Hangman’s Tour: Old Melbourne Gaol

Hello again Jarrod–and of course, welcome to any other readers. As promised, I’m reporting in this week on the Hangman’s Tour that runs on selected nights at the Old Melbourne Gaol. I have to confess, I chose this one because I thought it had decent chance to get a yes to the question ‘Jarrod, would you go there?’ and when I mentioned it to you, your reaction of “f***ing sick! That’d be mad” was pretty damn encouraging.

I went along with my good friend (and fellow history geek) Lynda.

Partners in crime

So! Upon arrival at the gaol, you’re briefed in the gift shop about the rules of the tour–there is strictly no use of cameras allowed during the tour itself, and also no use of objects that emit light. It’s incredibly dark  once you get inside the prison itself and the tour is led by one man with a candle…so if you have poor night vision or are prone to falls, you’d best jostle your way to be at the front next to candleholder man, otherwise you may leave with a complimentary hip fracture.

The guided tour part of the evening only takes about 40mins. It’s led by a guy who plays the part of the hangman at the gaol, and he treats you all like newbie prisoners, so to speak. (It might sound a bit naff but it’s a really effective way of bringing the stories to life).

He takes you through what would have happened to you as a new arrival at the gaol and what your day-to-day life would have involved.  It was a pretty bleak period in Australian history. But I’ve got to say, given the increasing popularity of what I like to call Recreational Suffering (you know, doing Tough Mudder, doing the Kokoda Trail, watching Embarrassing Bodies on a full stomach) I’m a little surprised that some entrepreneur hasn’t jumped on the idea of a full on, immersive Gaol Stay Experience. Just think! You could be sluiced with buckets of ice cold water on arrival, had a de-lousing (whether you have lice or not is irrelevant!) that burns your skin off.  You’d be forbidden to speak. You’d sleep eight to a cell on straw mattresses and have nothing but a bucket for a toilet. A bucket that you have to use in front of your cellmates. You’d break rocks all day and even have the possibility of an upgrade to whippings or solitary confinement for something as minor as ‘throwing bread down in a defiant manner’ or singing in your cell.  And at the end you could get a souvenior T-Shirt or cap to boast that you’d done it and survived. Genius.

Digs for those who want ‘to push themselves to the limit’

But I digress. The tour also tells you a bit about the hangings that happened at the Gaol (there were 133 in all). The gallows are still there, complete with trap door and dangling rope. No denying it, there’s a real sense of foreboding. (Perhaps hanging a tyre on the end of the rope to fashion a makeshift swing might make it feel less dark and oppressive, and provide an interesting photo op?)

The Gallows. Grim.

Horrifyingly, you also learn that back in the day, there was actually a book published called The Art Of Hanging. I’m not sure what number it reached on the bestseller list at the time but I think it’s safe to assume it didn’t hit the top 100.

Possibly the worst book ever written

It did get me thinking about how you’d react if you were to discover that book, say, nestled on the bookshelf of somebody you had just started dating. They’d be in the kitchen making dinner, you’re having a covert snoop to get some valuable insights into their psyche… you’d scroll through the titles on the shelf– “Jamie’s 15 minute meals… On The Road… The Art of –WHAT?? WHAT????” And then signs that had been there all along would start falling swiftly into place. Like that shroud he’s always wearing. His persistent campaigning for Grand Designs to run an episode featuring ‘Best Of The Sturdy Exposed Beams…’

Anyway, the other thing you learn quite a lot about is the history of Australia’s most infamous bushranger, Ned Kelly. Do you know, I’d quite forgotten that they made a film based on his life starring Mick Jagger. A casting decision remarkable for Mick’s UNCANNY LACK OF ANY PHYSICAL SEMBLANCE TO NED KELLY WHATSOEVER!

And people bitch about Ben Affleck being cast as Batman…

They take you through the history of the Kelly Gang and how they were eventually all killed or captured, and Ned’s hanging at the Melbourne Gaol. Ned’s words when he was advised that the execution time had been fixed were “Such Is Life.” I got goosebumps at that point to be honest, Jarrod. I mean, how did Ned know back in 1880 what troubled AFL star Ben Cousins would eventually have tattooed on his very impressive abdominals????

After the tour finishes you have about 45 minutes free to wander around the Gaol, thankfully with the lights on.

General gaol atmosphere

The displays are genuinely fascinating, we could have easily spent hours taking it all in. They have a collection of death masks, (including Ned’s) because phrenologists at the time believed that the secrets of the criminal mind could be uncovered by studying the skulls. These days of course, thanks to advances in science and criminology we know that you just need to look for the skulls wearing Collingwood Football Club beanies. It’s really not that complicated.

Ned Kelly’s death mask

And of course, there’s the opportunity for history nerds–sorry, enthusiasts to don some replica armour and get some photos taken. That stuff is heavy. I’m quite certain I would have just surrendered because the cardio would be beyond me.

Original Gangsta

Anyway Jarrod, based on my reportage the question as always remains – Jarrod, would you go there?