This little piggy went to market (in high vis and a beanie)

*Theatrical Yawn* Another criminally early morning start this week for the blog. Up before sunrise last week for the Icebergers swim, (click on the bold letters if you haven’t yet read about it!) so when my alarm sounded at 5am for this week’s little adventure, it was sorely tempting to burrow down under the doona (or duvet, for those playing overseas) and fuse myself to the bed like a mattress barnacle.

Appealing as the latter option sounds, it’s very difficult to write a travel blog entry about a ‘particularly awesome sleep in,’ so I dragged myself out of bed and was in the Barina, bound for the Melbourne Wholesale Fruit and Vegetable Markets at 5:30am.

Try taking THAT through a supermarket self service checkout

I think we can all agree that as far as shopping goes, supermarkets have become downright depressing places. Sure, the TV ads would have you believe they’re filled with Celebrity Chefs and people breaking into spontaneous, endearingly daggy dancing to Status Quo songs;  bonding with total strangers over their astonishment at the CRAZY low prices. The sad reality is that they’re places with super wide aisles (God forbid we should have to engage with another human being to say “excuse me”),  and self service checkouts (God forbid we should have to engage with another human being who might ask something probing like “how are you?” I mean, if I want human interaction I can go home and get on facebook chat, right??!). It’s all sterile, controlled, fluro lit, vacuum sealed. And the less said about their *cough* ‘fresh’ produce the better. I bought an avocado last week that could have shattered an eye socket had it been thrown in a food fight.

Markets on the other hand, markets are the BEES KNEES. They’re about fresh air, bustle, exchange, jostling, noise, touching, smelling, and tasting. Oh, the tasting. I’ve actually perfected a facial expression that conveys “Hmmmmm, this is tricky. See, I’m literally on the cusp of making a purchase… a small portion of your wares could well tip me over the edge.” That facial expression got me such an abundance of free Turkish Delight in Istanbul that I was borderline hyperglycaemic the whole time I was there…. I love shopping at The Queen Victoria Market, so the idea of seeing where the stallholders there get their goods had me intrigued. I booked myself a spot on the C The Market Tour. (Click to be directed to their website!).

If you’re under this, you’re in the right spot.

FYI, the markets aren’t open to the general public, so there’s no point rocking up hoping to amble around on your own. The only way to see them is either on the tour, or having a business like a store or restaurant whereby you have an ABN and buy goods wholesale from them.

The tour kicks off at 6am sharp down at the wholesale markets near the Docks. Which, being Melbourne Winter equals complete darkness, 8 degrees celsius and chilly winds whipping off the water. High Vis gear donned, we got our safety briefing and boarded the train to start the tour.

Prime ‘hurtle through the windscreen in the event of a collision’ position

The tours are conducted by a lovely lady named Jan, and she knows the market business like nobody’s business. The scale and speed at which everything happens at the markets is astonishing. Forklifts and mini motorbike/trailer hybrids whiz about at high speeds, which would be alarming, were it not for the fact that the drivers seem to have a sixth sense –able to plan four or five lane changes ahead, always aware of what’s behind them and beside them, weaving amongst one another seamlessly at intersections. It reminded me of being in tuk tuks in India, while you’re flinching and squealing and bracing for certain death, your driver is looking at you in his rear vision mirror, equal amounts bewildered and bemused by the chickenshit white girl in the back. Seriously, the driving at the markets was so impressive, I wouldn’t have blinked an eye if I’d seen some stunts casually being unleashed. A forklift taking a sharp corner on two wheels, but not dropping a single, precious apple…

Precision driving- a big ask at 6am.

It’s high energy, high volume and high camaraderie. Not to mention just mouth wateringly lovely to look at…

*crosses ‘3 pallets of oranges’ off her shopping list*

There are glossy, red capsicums that make a mockery of the sad, wrinkly specimens at the supermarket

Well, coat me in olive oil, roast me up and call me antipasto…

Chillies that promise to bring the heat–

Cut me, then forget to wash your hands before you rub your eyes. You’ll weep for hours, hombre!

The jewellery box of the fruit and vegetable world, pomegranates galore–

Okay, we’re not the prettiest but it’s what’s inside that counts.

And a veritable bounty of avocadoes, just begging to be sliced up and served atop Vegemite on toast (SHUT UP IF YOU HAVEN’T TRIED IT, IT’S DELICIOUS!)

For those times when you need a bathtub full of guacamole. (Hey, we’ve all been there)

Also these guys, whose name escapes me… but should serve as a warning to carrots about what happens when you breed with vegetables that Aren’t Your Own Kind.

With veges, sometimes cross breeding yields results not unlike in- breeding amongst humans.

Just before we head across to the flower markets, Jan introduces us to a man she calls Pastry Man. (Frankly he sounds like the best superhero ever). He’s at the wholesale markets most mornings selling pastries to the stallholders to have with their coffees. Now, she might call him Pastry Man, but I’ll refer to him henceforth as Future Husband. Why? Because he gives us all a free portion, that’s right, a FREE portion of the most divine strudel that has ever passed my lips. Here I was thinking all these years that qualities like ‘kind hearted’ and ‘great sense of humour’ were important, when it turns out all I’m after is a man who’ll keep me in the style to which I’ve become accustomed: that is, plied with stewed fruit, custard and pastry.

From here we leave the sanctuary that is the undercover fruit and veg area to head across to the flower market. The sun’s up and so is the wind chill factor.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The view out across the docks

The flower markets are the spot on tour where you can actually purchase goods, so remember to bring along some cash! If like me, you didn’t read the tour information properly, and came with only loose change in your wallet, well fool you, but you can still wander about taking photos incessantly…

No Instagram filter needed

As the song goes: “You don’t bring me flowers… anymore…..(but that’s ok because at $6.50 a bunch, I’ll buy my own…)”

For the bride who wants a bouquet she has to PUSH DOWN THE AISLE IN A WHEELBARROW

The tour also includes a complimentary (and very restorative) free coffee whilst you’re browsing in the flower markets.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend the tour. But I’m not trying to convince myself of this retrospectively. As always Jarrod, the question is thrown over to you:

The Melbourne Markets Tour, Jarrod, would you go there?

Jan and myself in our High Vis Gear: it’s all about how you accessorise