Instagram Mandatory: Melbourne Central Unlocked

Hello again, Jarrod! You’ll be relieved to know I’m doing activities back on home turf. Yes, in Melbourne again… and I think I’ve found the perfect tour to nudge you out of your comfort zone. Because you’re not really a Meander Around A Shopping Centre Guy, are you? (Before you protest, Bunnings and Total Tools stores don’t count). In fact, I wouldn’t bat an eye if I spotted you on the Miserable Men Of Instagram feed, a catalogue of who’s who in the world of tortured fellas accompanying their wives shopping.

Let it be over

It’s the Melbourne Central Unlocked Tour. Which may sound like access to all the shops after they’re locked up for the night. Don’t get excited if that’s what you are assuming.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I stumble across the tour on Instagram. Not surprising as it turns out, but more about that later. It promises to “lead visitors around Melbourne Central’s hidden nooks, rarely seen vantage points and secret rooftops” and “intriguing tales of days gone by.” Tickets are only $10 and it runs for 45 minutes. Details here!

Melbourne Central Unlocked Tours

I’m immediately intrigued by anything remotely ‘behind the scenes.’ Will it be like the behind the scenes extras on DVD’s of a favourite TV series, only with Melbourne Central staff yammering self-indulgently to camera about their role? Will it involve hilarious out takes where people seem to lose their minds over very small mistakes like fluffing lines? I SAID GOOD MORNING BUT IT’S LIKE, 1:30PM! OMG. LMAO.

No, as it turns out. It’s a really interesting and engaging 45 minutes.

I’m taking along my good friend Morven for the tour, she loves history and hates shopping centres, so she’s 50% perfect as tour companion. While we wait at the information desk both of us reminisce about our earliest memories of Melbourne Central. Both of us remember Daimaru, the multilevel Japanese department store that occupied one entire side of the complex. I remember thinking it frightfully exotic and fancy that your purchase was wrapped carefully, and the sales assistant would step out from behind the counter to hand the bag to you. Imagine!!

A Magical Kingdom

We realise through, that neither of us can remember what that area of town looked like before Melbourne Central arrived. It’s as though the big glass cone descended down upon our city and wiped our memory banks clear. “Sephora has always been here. From the beginning of time. If you think otherwise, you’re mistaken.”

Not to worry, we reckon, we’re sure the tour will have some historical images!

Nope. Pesky RM Williams, who occupy retail space in the Melbourne Central Shot Tower are doing renovations till March, and because of that, the museum in the shot tower is closed. Boooooooooo, RM Williams. Curse you and your overpriced Cast-Of-McLeod’s-Daughters-Inspired clothing!

History? Bah. There’s clobber to be sold.

Our guide Leah is enormously apologetic about the museum being closed. She’s a terrific guide, really well versed in the history of the site. And fortunately Google can tide us over for now.

I think I vaguely rememb- No. It’s totally unfamiliar.

(I’ll be honest, I look at this and it still doesn’t ring any bells. Because Sephora has always been here…..)

We start at the big clock which plays Waltzing Matilda on the hour, every hour. Presumably as a warning to would-be shoplifters. My hypothesis anyway. I’ve never actually stood and watched the clock tbh, only heard it when I’ve been rushing about, inevitably eliciting a “shit, is that the time?!” reaction. It’s quite pretty really.

Shopping Time

But, did you know it’s original location was slightly off to one side on a chain under a floating hot air balloon? (Cue shocked gasp and vague/hazy recollection).

Ring any bells?

Then it’s onto the Shot Tower, which holds the hotly contested title of ‘Melbourne’s Most Instagrammed Building.’ Little wonder that I discovered this tour on Instagram. It’s been Lo-Fi’d, Mayfair’d, Ludwig’d, even endured the abominable violation that is being Hefe’d.

Be kind with the filters and relentless with the hashtags

Leah takes us through the history of the Shot Tower and what the working conditions would have been like. It was used up until 1961 for the production of small diameter shot balls and would have churned out 25 million shot balls a day. 25 million!!

Now I can’t reveal all the information that you’re given on the tour, otherwise you’ll just read the blog and go “huh, thanks for that, I feel as though I’ve more or less done the tour without having to leave my couch!” But the history and the machinations that got the centre built, the glass cone designed and constructed, Daimaru here then *ahem, not here any more, are fascinating.

Do you remember, for example, there was initially a multi-storey butterfly enclosure? Sigh. It was a different time, the 90’s. When you could just don your good double breasted maroon blazer, make sure your bowl cut was sleek and go and see some monarchs after you’d stocked up on flesh coloured hosiery.

Good times. Maybe not for the butterflies.

The tour also takes you up to the Inaccessible To The Plebs 6th floor to see the Shot Tower from a closer perspective.

Sorry, what sort of tower?

It really makes me appreciate how badly I need my glasses prescription reviewed because I keep seeing the words Snot Tower. A very different industry.

Then it’s out onto the roof where you get to see the Dome from the exterior, and marvel at how much it really does look like an alien device that’s landed in the CBD and wiped our collective grey matter…

“Take me… To Your… Department Store”

Nonetheless, Morven and I chance getting closer to it for a snap (without protective foil hats! #daredevils) to prove that we were here.

Absolutely zero recollection of this being taken!

We had a great time on the Melbourne Central Unlocked Tour and I’d definitely recommend it, particularly if you’re a history buff.

Or someone who just likes reminiscing about shops.

Maybe some day there will be a Bunnings Unlocked Tour, but until then Jarrod, I’ll throw it over to you. The Melbourne Central Unlocked Tour: Jarrod, would you go there?