Jarrod, Would You Return? (Kryal Castle)

Once again I need to kick off by confessing that I’ve been to this week’s place before, only this time Jarrod, there’s a twist–you’ve been there too. It was the early 80’s, and as you can see, even then, atop dad’s shoulders, you’re sporting your signature facial expression…

Early adopter of the underwhelmed sneer

There’s no photo evidence of my childhood trip there, but I remember the place. Ohhhhhhhh, I remember the place. I remember the month of night terrors that followed our visit; waking drenched in sweat from nightmares about the ‘arena spectacular whipping display’ (fake blood on the whip to create the appearance of open wounds–FUN!) and tormented dummies with rats chewing through their stomachs inside the torture chamber.

Tempting as it was to have dad to dig out the tiny blue shorts again, I took along my friend (and self confessed medievophile) Nicole. A little over an hour down the Western Highway, a quick walk across a shallow and very penetrable moat, $31 entrance fee, and we were inside the castle walls.

A handrail for easy breaching

Don’t be fooled by her sweet smile, this girl’s eyes light up at the prospect of a torture chamber

Now, our visit kicked off on two disappointing notes. Firstly, we arrived too late for the Arena Spectacular which starts at midday. It’s reportedly a tournament between two rival houses with jousting, sword fighting and an escalation of tensions to the extent that a battering ram is involved. (FYI, I am reliably informed by staff that it NO LONGER INCLUDES THE  FLAGELLATION OF A SCREAMING WENCH). I’d been looking forward to the jousting; two men rushing at one another with giant poles extended in front of them. If only one could work out what that represented, you know, on a subconscious level…. I guess we will never know.

Second disappointment was on the costume front. Geeky tourists that we are, we’d been pretty damn excited at the prospect of dressing up in medieval costume for photos. And I’d been told that there was a selection available for a fee of $10pp plus the $30 fee for the acutal photos. Now, I’ve done the Zimbio ‘which Game Of Thrones Character Are You?’ and I’m Jaime Lannister. Aside from the incest and infanticide, I was happy to channel that, so obviously I wanted to swagger in armour or chainmail. Not to be. The costume hire section is being ? redeveloped, so all they had available was a selection of very sad looking crushed velvet purple gowns. You may not know this about me, Jarrod, but I have a serious aversion to crushed velvet. Proper Velvet is lovely and lush, the fabric equivalent of a sexy caress delivered with smouldering eye contact. Crushed velvet, however, *shudders* that’s like an unwelcome stroke from a clammy hand that’s sporting a long, yellowed pinky finger nail. The garb and dominant home decorating motif of hack psychics.

Not to worry, we regrouped and headed inside the first attraction, the Dragon’s Labyrinth. It kicks off with a very ‘help me, Obi Wan Kenobe, you’re my only hope’ holograph from a Queen who’s children have gone missing, presumed taken by a dragon?

Get George Lucas’ people on the phone…

I’m going to be honest, we didn’t really follow the story plot all that closely so I’m a little hazy on the details. You wander through a sound/light/special effects show and eventually end up in the dragon’s lair. Maybe she took the children in a tit for tat retaliation for her eggs being stolen? But look at her adorable neckerchief, Jarrod! Look at it! Personally, I find it hard to believe  such a gifted accessorizer could be capable of such a heinous crime.

Seconds later it coughed up a tiny child’s shoe.

We emerged from the labyrinth and had a wander through the ancient cemetery, at which point I decided to retire from comedy writing altogether because clearly I was never going to reach these dizzying heights–

They forgot Shut It Down.

From there it was back out to the arena for what we thought was going to be an archery and swordfighting demonstration at 2pm, but was in fact an opportunity for little kids to have a go at supervised archery and swordfighting (with kidsafe foam swords and shields). Still determined to get a picture looking vaguely knightly, like slightly creepy grown ups we wandered onto the battlefield… only to be told ‘sorry, you’ll have to wait, we’ve only got one sword and shield left.’ I was perfectly happy to hack at my unarmed friend but there is evidently some Medieval Fight Club Code Of Conduct whereby you can’t attack someone with a sword if they’re not holding one. And if your opponent drops their sword you have to do the same and fight ‘mano a mano.’ Who knew??

Obviously the most knightly I was going to get on this visit was pouting like Keira. Sigh.

Fortunately before I lapsed into a major sulk, we spotted a liqueur tasting bar and retreated indoors to sample their concoctions.

Line ’em up…

Who needs the clang of swords when you have the clink of glasses?

Daytime drinks under our belts, we decided it was time to shoot pointy things at a target, using an apparatus we had zero experience with, preferably in the vicinity of innocent children. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? So we ambled out onto the arena and lined up amongst the five year olds for our turn at archery.

I’m pretty sure that if I’d lived in medieval times and had to go to battle, the bow and arrow would have been my weapon of choice. It’s so inherently elegant (think Legolas from Lord Of The Rings), you get to use the word ‘quiver’ (a personal fave) and most importantly, you get to fight from a great distance. For a non confrontational person such as myself, who’d rather send a slightly tetchy email to someone two desks away than have a difficult conversation–this really appeals. I don’t want to confirm the kill and see the light go out of someone’s eyes.

Quiver by Mimco.

How did I go, you ask? Well, as you can see the board was all of four metres away. I missed the circle but hit the board with a satisfying thunk. Suffice to say, if the enemy was a large balloon animal, advancing towards me at glacial speed, I would have slayed the fuck out of it.

Took to it like Jason Bourne.

The torture chamber was as horrendous as I remember from all those years ago, only now it has a new and improved sound effects track that runs on loop featuring the desperate whimpering and agonised screaming of a female victim.

But it wasn’t the scariest thing we saw at Kryal Castle. Noooo. The scariest thing sits in the LOLLY SHOP of all places. Check out these string puppet machines from the 1970s–oh, they seem innocent enough at first…

It’s got penguins and Snoopy, surely that means it CAN’T be scary?

But look closer, Jarrod, and they’re actually pretty disturbing. Exhibit a) evil penguin nodding approval and almost shuddering with delight as one puppet crushes the windpipe of another who’s begging for mercy…
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And exhibit b) horrendous elderly lady grinning as she violates small child on her lap. The muffled cries of this puppet child HAUNT ME.
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From here it was onto the Kryal Castle Maze. Their website calls it their ‘most puzzling attraction’ and asks the question ‘will you return?’  Well, if you can walk from one end of a tunnel to the other without getting lost, then the answer is an unequivocal yes. Because there are actually no wrong turns that lead to dead ends.

Also, the maze walls only come up to your shoulders.

OH GOD, WILL I EVER FIND THE EXIT??? Oh, it’s… right over there.

If I were three feet tall this would be disorienting and mysterious.

Before we knew it, it was closing time and we were out the front gates, but Kryal Castle had a departing ghoulish memory for us to take away. Snapping a lovely photo of Nicole in front of the moat and all seemed unremarkable…

Lovely… HANG ON! Wtf is that in the window beind her???????

Time to ‘punch in on that’ as they say in police dramas. And what do we find?

A grisly, dismembered victim of some sort of medieval mardi gras mishap, choked by the very tinsel that once adorned him so fabulously. What a sobering note on which to end the day.

Anyway Jarrod, as always, the question remains. Kryal Castle: Jarrod, Would You Go There?