Jarrod would You Yang there? The You Yangs!

I don’t normally court controversy, Jarrod, but (deep breath) here goes. As far as walks in Melbourne go, I think the Thousand Steps walk is massively overrated.

THERE, I’VE SAID IT.

Not taking it back. I know it’s verging on un-Melburnian to say this, but  I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. The Thousand Steps is always crowded, it’s slippery AF, and after hauling your ass up 770 odd steps (yeah, that’s right, it’s not even actually 1000 steps) the view when you get to the top is….well, meh. And when I’ve done a climb, I expect an amazing view, or for my gluteals to be miraculously, instantaneously transformed. It’s just polite.

Case in point. Flashback to November 2014: We did a three hour hike up this peak in Brazil, in what was obviously 90% humidity. You can tell this from my clammy hair, that you can actually see the mist sworling about in the photo, and because if you zoom in, you can see that the sweat from my armpits is literally about to make my backpack straps just disintegrate.

Hot mess.

But boy oh boy! It was allllllllllll worth it in the end, because after three hours, three hours of gruelling uphill slog….. look at the unbelievable view we got at the top. Truly, Jarrod, I couldn’t find a hashtag to actually do it justice….

#robbed #fuckthis #sulking #areyoukiddingme #wellthisblows

As far as I can tell, the Thousand Steps has two things going for it. Two things that lure hundreds of Melburnians a day to Ferntree Gully, where they trudge in single file, up stone steps like sweaty, Lorna Jane clad lemmings. Selling point 1) Catchy title with impressively big, albeit massively inaccurate number. A grand, plain and simple. The Proclaimers were onto something, calling that song 500 Miles. I’ll bet you their odometer measured a more precise distance to the girlfriends house, but really, who wants to sing “I would walk 467 and three quarter miles?” And Selling Point 2) you’re in The Dandenongs with your classic Dandenongs Devonshire Tea Infrastructure, so after your walk, you can stumble through almost ANY front door and find yourself inside a cafe serving scones the size of a baby’s head. (I’ve been known to looking longingly at a babies heads and people assume I’m clucky. Nope. Just having awesome scone flashbacks).

I’m almost loathe to share them, but there are some lesser known walks just outside of Melbourne that are way better than the Thousand Steps. The You Yangs is one such place. I can already hear the chorus from friends who love the You Yangs: “shutupshutupshutup what are you doing? You’re going to ruin it for everyone!”

Now I need to condition my sorry ass for some trekking later in the year in India, and while the You Yangs are certainly no Himalayas, they’re not too far from the CBD and definitely more fun than sweating on a stair master at Anytime Fitness

See you at the top

The You Yangs are about 55km south-west of Melbourne, just near Lara. If you’ve ever driven to Geelong and wondered what that huge rock on the right is, the one that’s 24km across and roughly 364m high, that’d be the one.

If you are so inclined there are designated mountain biking areas there with over 50km of trails. My bike is a restored vintage number with suspension suitable for ‘short rides to urban cafes, no cobblestones’ so I just go there to trek.

Dappling: check.

There is an 8.7km circuit that takes you from the main Park Office car park, to the top of Flinders Peak and back, but you can easily break the walk up into smaller sections if you’re short on time.

Shortly after I start my walk, I come across these mysterious little numbers. Far be it for me to start wild rumours, but it’s pretty obvious they’re filming the next series of Survivor here (Survivor You Yangs definitely has a ring to it). The only other explanation I can come up with is that there are some witch trials on the horizon and the people of the west are gettin’ their pyres ready.

Searched high and low, but could not find any trace of an Immunity Idol so I’m vulnerable at next tribal council.

1.5km up a fairly gentle incline, I arrive at the first lookout point: The Big Rock, and on the day of my visit, I have the place entirely to myself. Occasionally you’ll encounter groups doing abseilling lessons off the side; and it’s still serene, if your idea of serenity is fresh air, lovely views and constant shrieking….

But I’m all alone, so I duly sit down on The Big Rock, scoff the three cinnamon donuts I’ve brought from a nearby bakery (remember, I HAVE walked a whole 1.5km #justified) and take in the views.

My second favourite Big Rock, (after Dwayne Johnson)

Bella Vista

From The Big Rock, it’s a slightly scrubbier, pretty forgettable walk for a bit, but about twenty minutes later you arrive at the Turntable carpark for the hour return walk to Flinders Peak.

And we’re back in picturesque territory once again.

Could only be lovelier if there was a stair lifter that magically transported you to the peak.

One of the excellent things about the Flinders Peak climb is that it’s steep in parts, but you’re rewarded with lovely views around most bends, so you have an alibi, if you like, to pause and appreciate it. People will never know whether you’re desperately unfit, or just being super mindful and reflective.

I’m not gasping for breath, just finding the view breathtaking. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE

And when you get to the top, you’re afforded a full 360 degree landscape.

The West for the win.

Sadly, does not point you to nearest scone facilities.

The You Yangs are a little under the radar gem and well worth a visit if you have a couple of hours to spare (and, like I do at the moment, some hiking boots you are trying to break in). As always though Jarrod, I’m going to throw it over to you – You Yangs Regional Park, Jarrod, would you go there?

Alfie: an altitude Selfie.