Sealing The Deal (my swim with seals on a dolphin-free dolphin tour)

I should start this post with full disclosure, Jarrod. I have actually already done a kayaking with dolphins tour, many years ago, up in Byron Bay. It was a birthday present from a friend, a full afternoon kayaking out in the sea, where pods of dolphins frolic playfully. By all accounts it was a magical day–there were dolphins leaping out of the water, literally over the nose of your kayak.

I wouldn’t know. I spent the entire trip being so violently seasick over the side of my kayak that my memories of the day are basically ‘Still Life Vomit In Seawater.’ That tour also included a complimentary afternoon tea at a gorgeous little cove. I’m told it was delicious. Again, I wouldn’t know, because I lurched onto the sand, sinking slowly–as though miming reverse evolution, whereupon I collapsed, and lay there for half an hour like a dry retching starfish, weeping at the prospect of the return journey.

So it was with understandable trepidation, (and a generous supply of motion sickness pills) that I approached this tour.

I booked with Sea All Dolphin Swims, operating out of Queenscliff ~ 1 hr 45mins from Melbourne. Drove up, had some lunch, popped my Kwells and I was ready to go.  Albeit asking myself why on earth I had booked to do this swim three weeks from winters official kick off. It was grim. Grim and grey. (It might be my imagination, but the seagull in this picture seems to be looking right into the camera with an expression that says ‘bitch, are you outta your tiny mind?’)

Incredulous Gull

Wetsuit on, kitted out with mask and snorkel, we boarded the boat and set off.

And what do you know? As though on cue, Mother Nature’s Stage Hands hastily rolled aside the ‘bleak clouds’ backdrop and inserted this in it’s place!

Now that’s more like it.

Our tour was led by a lovely marine biologist, Monique. Superbly informative, knowledgeable, and unfailingly patient. We were definitely in safe hands. She armed us with useful practical advice (however tempted you might be, don’t try and pat the seals when you’re swimming or they may ‘nip at you’ out of curiousity… also don’t pee in your wetsuit because they’re male seals and they apparently like that scent so you may well wind up with 300kg of fur seal barreling towards your crotch at high velocity. Who HASN’T dreamed of that??)

After about 20 mins travel we reached our first snorkeling point: Chinaman’s Hat. It’s like a drop in centre for male fur seals who want to kick back and recharge after their grueling routine of fishing/fighting/mating.

A marine gentleman’s club

This little guy! My favourite

Into the chilly water, all ability to breathe leaves you for a few seconds, you do some melodramatic ‘ohmygodthisiswhathypothermiamustfeellike’ and then the wetsuit does it’s job and you’re fine again. We snorkeled over to the seals and curious, playful little things they are, they launched into the water to join us.

I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t have a kick ass underwater camera with me, because I can’t show you just how INCREDIBLE it was swimming with them. At times there were three or four seals around you, darting underneath you, swimming beside you, coming face to face with you. I have to shamelessly lift an image from the company website to give you some idea of the proximity.

Utterly adorable

Upon return to the boat, the chill really hits you but the crew was well prepared with free hot tea, hot chocolates, coffee and biscuits. We journeyed a little further out (can’t tell you in what direction because as we all know, I am navigationally developmentally delayed) and reached another, smaller seal haven where we had another snorkeling op.

This time only Monique and myself ventured in. We took out a net bag and she went diving for fresh mussels growing on the sides of the pylons. I stayed on the surface fulfilling vital role as Mussel Bag Holder and basking in the chance to have a second swim with the fur seals.

“They’re so quaint with their reliance on flippers and fluro snorkels. I’m goin in!”

Unconvinced.

Afternoon tea, fresh from the sea. Also, snorkeling is sexy. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Back on the boat, the crew cooked up the mussels as we made our way to the next snorkeling point, scouring the seas for dolphins along the way. I must confess though, I was doing precious little scouring and quite a lot of mussel gorging.

Just some of our bounty *drools*

Heart shaped, true love.

Now, I can only surmise that word got out amongst the marine community about the awesome time we’d had with the seals and Team Dolphin decided it was time for some classic ‘treat em mean, keep em keen’ because they were nowhere to be seen.

Honestly? I really wasn’t bothered. I actually like seals more than dolphins. THERE, I’VE SAID IT!! Dolphins just make me think of bad tattoos, and that squeaky noise they make sounds like a soundtrack for ‘Crazy.’ Also I don’t trust anything that grins permanently. It makes me uneasy.

The afternoon took a slightly dark turn (ha, not really!) when we came across a boat that had hit a reef and taken on water. Seems that even if your boat is worth millions and you go to great lengths to tell the world you’re high calibre, it doesn’t matter. If you come here by boat, well, we all know the Liberal Party line…

I’d be putting a line through that name, because frankly, that’s just embarrassing.

We had one last snorkel at Pope’s Eye, and a spot of jumping from the roof of the boat into the water. I WISH I could approach these sorts of activities with carefree abandon, but spending most of my adult life working in hospitals does tend to make my brain fast forward to the Worst Case Scenario.

I am a catastrophiser, so I required a good ten minutes coaxing and reassurance that there would NOT be a freak sand bank right where I leapt, and I would NOT shatter my feet and sustain burst fractures the entire length of my spine (imagine all of your vertebral bodies exploding–like bony confetti, and you have the idea…)

As it turned out I was fine! I jumped off the roof all that happened was a) salt water went up my nose so hard it rinsed the inside of my skull and b) my wetsuit gusset welded itself to my nether regions. All good.

Turned back for Queenscliff, had a little tow rope fun–

Oh, but for less puny arms…

And then we were back, out of wetsuits and into hot showers and dry clothes. After that it was just a matter of getting some sunset pics and fish and chips.

As always, younger brother, the question remains. Swimming with the seals (and maybe dolphins, although no guarantee of that): Jarrod, would you go there?

A picture perfect end to a perfect day.