You took HOW many photos of a sunset? Lake Kariba

Pop quiz, Jarrod. How many photos of a sunset is too many? Ha! It’s a trick question of course, there’s no such thing as too many. In fact, staring directly into the sun and taking over 200 photos in the space of an hour, of something that happens every goddamn day is definitely Absolutely Normal Behaviour

It takes two horrifically long days driving from Lake Malawi to get to Lake Kariba, but I guess life can’t be all lying on beaches, luxuriating in hammocks, drinking cocktails and delivering babies at local health centres now, can it? To cap it all off, the border crossing to get into Zimbabwe is maddening, beauracratic, incompetent pedantry at its worst. There are six people in the office, I know this because we have over three hours standing in a stuffy foyer, rebreathing one another’s carbon dioxide to count them. Six people, and only ONE woman attending to the entry visas. The other five mill about not really doing anything discernible. This one lady has to hand write each visa sticker, make sure there is a carbon copy, then enter all of the information on a computer, take the money, give the change and issue a receipt. This takes around five minutes per person and there are 27 of us. Oh to feel the complete absence of any sense of urgency in the face of an enormous queue…

“TIA” we are constantly told, “TIA….” TIA translates as “Hey. This is Africa!” Implication: you’ve got to chill out and just accept shit takes time. This little motto is rolled out any time we are frustrated or impatient.

TIA translates in my world as a Transient Ischaemic Attack i.e.. Stroke symptoms that resolve within 48 hours. Apt, really because they’re usually saying it at a moment where I’m dangerously close to a rage stroke.

Anyway, I keep my cerebral hemispheres intact by thinking positive thoughts about houseboat time. Water safaris, lounging about on the boat, drinking wine, the luxury of eating lunch that isn’t imitation laughing cow cheese or tinned tuna on crackers, swimming off the side of the boat. It’s going to be…. What’s that now? Crocodiles in the lake, you say? ‘Absolutely teeming with them,’ you say? Literally a crocodile per metre of shore line?  People are killed by them every year? But we’ll be safe if we don’t swim in the water or dip our limbs in. Uh huh.

So. This is my room–

And I have seen crocodiles do this–

Sooo, are you sure about that? But apparently the Lake Kariba crocs aren’t so much the leaping vertically for food kind, and more your horizontal, skulking sinisterly just under the surface of the water variety. We board the houseboat, dump our bags, don our togs and head upstairs for some well deserved reeeeeeelaxatioooonnnn.

It’s hot as anything and we’re all dying for a swim but what to do about the whole ‘imminent death roll and being dragged to the bottom of the lake to become bloated week old meat for a crocodile’ issue?? The houseboat has it all sorted, guys:

Cue the giant human fish and chip fryer basket. 100% croc proof and so relaxing you hardly even feel like you’re fodder in a huge f%&#ing cage!

The two nights on the houseboat includes two sunset safaris so late afternoon we board a floating pontoon with a motor for our first cruise on the lake. We’re all crammed onto one boat with cameras and drinks and an almost rabid desperation to get the perfect photo. And there are no shortage of opportunities. It’s absolutely stunning out on the water.  The branches of submerged trees protrude from the depths and naturally we are all clamouring for an unobtructed view. (Call me fussy but I just prefer my photos without other people’s arms in them)

The trouble is, when you’re on a boat like this:

and you are obstructing the view of the driver at the back, he can’t see the water in front of him… And unsurprisingly, you hit said trees and everybody goes FLYING including the people sitting at the front of the boat. Thankfully nobody goes in (#minormiracle) but thereafter we have a group of dedicated, self appointed police making sure passengers keep to the perimeter of the vessel so the driver always has a clear eyeline.

We don’t see a heap of wildlife on the first evening. Some uncooperative water buffalo who are too far away and disinclined to pose for us. Fortunately the local birds come to the party.

And look, quite honestly, who cares about the wildlife when Mother Nature is turning on this sort of sunset for you?

Presenting what is no doubt far too many and yet only a teeny percentage of all of the photos that I took on our sunset cruise!

I promise you all of these are absolutely 100% without filters or tweaking saturation in Photoshop. Apparently the pink sky and eventual red glow of the sun is the diffusion of the light from the sun through lots and lots of pollution.

Once the sun has actually dipped below the horizon, all the colours change to pinky blue pastels and everything has the feel of a creepy thriller set on the water.

We head back to the boat, have a dinner prepared for us by a team of chefs, play cards, drink, play cards that involve drinking games where I am targeted (quite unfairly) and then fall into bed in the early hours of the morning. Up way too early for the breakfast call, and feeling pret-ty seedy but rewarded for doing so with pancakes. Yes!

Nap a bit, spa a bit, swim a bit, read a bit. Basically enjoy not being in a fixed flexed position on a truck for hours on end. Then it’s time for our 2nd afternoon water safari. And this time, the animals have come out to play.

Frankly could have done without seeing some of them–

We spot a hippo on the starboard side of the boat (lol, just kidding I don’t know which boat term to use, I’m just trying to sound like I have a clue. Could be starboard, could be port, could be portstar) and the poor thing is absolutely covered in scratches and has horrible wounds on his face 🙁 Our driver tells us he’s probably been in a fight with a lion.

And the one on his face looks very much infected. Like, Facebook video that claims only 5% of people can watch it being squeezed infected.

Our sympathetic murmuring seems to get on his nerves after a bit

and he charges us like a boss–

So we wisely retreat and head towards the shore where we spot some elephants!

Despite it being a bit of an ordeal to get here, our two days on the houseboat on Lake Kariba are complete bliss. No crocodile casualties, stunning sunsets, beautiful wildlife, lovely food, maybe too much drink, overall an unforgettable experience. But that’s just my opinion. I’ll throw it over to you as always! Houseboating on Lake Kariba in Zimbabwe: Jarrod, would you go there?