Nothing greater: The Ngorongoro Crater

Ah, the Ngorongoro Crater *gazes wistfully into the middle distance*  I confess, Jarrod, in the lead up this Africa trip I had no idea what to expect from the Ngorongoro Crater, and even less idea how to actually pronounce it. Is it a soft Ng like the Vietnamese surname? (Which I for some reason I still cannot enunciate without tilting my head 30 degrees to one side and adopting a somewhat apologetic facial expression). I settled for just telling people that I was going to “The Serengeti and the Negor…” then trailing off vaguely; the way I do when I’m grappling with a big word at a restaurant, like galaktoboureko, and hoping a sympathetic waitress will complete it for me.

As it turns out, the Ngorongoro Crater emerges as one of those genuinely delightful surprises, and remains one of my favourite days on the tour.

I wake up before sunrise after a fairly dreadful nights sleep. I neglected to mention this in the last blog, but we are camping in the Serengeti National Park and the Ngorongoro Conservation Area, in tents, with no fences between us and well, anything. Now, I’ve camped at Wilson’s Promontory in Victoria and seen first hand that even goddamn WOMBATS are able to claw through tent walls if it means getting to food. We’re told that if we need to get up to walk to the toilets at night or have a quick wee beside the tent, we need to scan the area with our head-torch first to check for glowing eyeballs. White glowing eyes is a grazing animal, non predatory, no danger there. Red eyes glowing back at you means that’s a lion (I’m sorry, what the what now?)

and green eyes means that’s a hyena (Again, WHAT???).

So if you see either of those “perhaps just wait ten minutes and check again.” This advice is delivered far too casually for my liking. Will there be rangers patrolling with dart guns? No.

Okay, Riddle me this then guys, what’s to stop a lion or hyena becoming savvy to the little head-torch sweep tactic, and just doing THIS???

It’s only a mater of time. I don’t want my obit implying I took on a lion armed with only a $25 head-torch from Anaconda. I know how cruel people can be. That’s a Darwin Award Nomination in the making.

So I lie in my sleeping bag all night nursing an uncomfortably full bladder, willing the sun to rise. It’s windy, cold, I’m using my polar fleece as a pillow and I’m in a state of abject terror because I can hear an animal snuffling and moving about in the grass right on the other side of the canvas beside my head. A zebra, as it turns out. It’s amazing how much a zebra sounds like a lion when you’re sleep deprived and have an imagination prone to rampant exaggeration.

When we do wake up and lurch out of our tents for breakfast we are treated to a pretty sun rise over the campsite.

A quiet headcount on my behalf reveals that nobody from the tour group was eaten alive overnight by black and white herbivores. Although there are some giant animal bones on the site that serve as chilling reminders of The Massacre That Might Have Unfolded. That, or bootcamp equipment. Overhead presses, anyone?

Back into the 4×4 with our guide Erasto, and we hit the dusty, bumpy road again for the game drive. We stop first up at a lookout above The Crater, which is 23km x32km wide and over 600m deep. It was formed over 2 million years ago when a volcano exploded and collapsed in upon itself. A huge geographical zit leaving an almighty scar….

It’s breathtaking, but the beauty and quiet serenity is undermined just a bit by an American couple in their 60’s who, for some reason have decided ~this~ is the place they have to stretch one another and they’re pulling at one anothers limbs grunting and yelling “ARE YOU GETTING IT? ARE YOU FEELING IT YET?”  From the top the crater looks quite empty but once you’re down there, there are thousands of animals. It’s honestly like being on a film set.

Everyone in our 4×4 has come to Africa wanting to tick off seeing the Big Five. Contrary to what you might think, the Big Five doesn’t refer to the biggest animals or the most popular, they were so named because they were considered the hardest and most dangerous to hunt on foot, because of their ability to kill–so this made them the biggest trophies. Gross. None of us is interested in pointing anything more dangerous at these beautiful animals than a kick ass camera lens.

We’ve already sighted and papped the African Lion, African Leopard and African Elephant on day one. And only twenty minutes into this mornings game drive, we cross another one off the list–the Cape Buffalo. You wouldn’t think it to look at this guy, but these herbivores have killed more hunters than any other animal. Any articles about how to survive an attack from The Big Five basically say that where Cape Buffalo are concerned, just ‘accept that you will die.’ Google ‘Cape Buffalo attacks hunter’ and you’ll be rewarded with heaps of very satisfying you tube footage. (Team Cape Buffalo all the way, here!).

Behold it’s fused set of deadly curved horns with the little Carol Brady flick at the ends. You may not be able to make it out but there is a tiny bird on this Buff’s back and one seemingly pecking at it’s eye. This is the little Ox Pecker, they regularly sit on the Buffalo and gobble up parasites for them. Win win relationship.

It’s honestly like a movie set in the Ngorongoro crater. Hundreds of wildebeest, zebra, water buffaloes, Impala….

We spot flamingos in the very far distance. Very, very far distance–

And some hyena trotting over towards them (sporting their shit eating grins). Bugger your ‘circle of life’ I just don’t like these guys. Erasto explains to us that in addition to the Big 5 there is also the Ugly 5, and the hyena sits firmly in that camp.  I’m no fan of the hyena, but ugly is a strong term, maybe we could call them the Aesthetically Challenged 5?

We cross off two more of the Aesthetically Challenged 5. The wildebeest, which we see a lot of–

And the poor old Maribou Stork, who has a habit of defacating on his own legs which lends them a whitish colour. Stay classy, Maribou.

Driving on, we pass another pod of hippos in a pool, covered in mud and whatever else is in that water. (From the smell I’m gathering it’s definitely not a Jo Malone bath oil)

We have our eyes peeled for the last of the Big Five, the Black Rhinoceros. Our guide Erasto gently tries to prepare us that we’re unlikely to see one today but we’re unfailingly optimistic. Erasto has an almost preternatural knack for spotting wildlife, it’s PHENOMENAL. He spots this lion a few hundred metres off the road to our left, perched with a flank of meat from a hunt and a jackal sitting patiently for any leftovers. (To give you an idea of just how far away this was, my camera is zoomed in 600mm).

In contrast I do my best to try and see what I can spot but ten times out of ten, I’m like “stop, what’s that, just on the left?! (Zooms camera) Oh. Just a rock/branch/log/insert practically any other inanimate object” I am officially useless.

Although EVEN I couldn’t fail to see what we come across next. Driving along the dusty track, the cry goes up from the front of the 4X4 “LIONS HAVING SEX ON THE ROAD!!”

I grab my camera and scramble to the front of the 4×4 but I’ve already missed it. The report from those at the front of the 4×4 was that from go to woe, it was over in under ten seconds. Had this been on a David Attenborough special you couldn’t even overlay a narration “the coitus is brief and disappointing” without slowing the footage down. By the time I get to the front, male lion has withdrawn and female lion is looking up at him with an expression that 100% screams ‘seriously, WAS THAT IT?’  She promptly prowls over to lie in front of the wheels of another 4×4.

Haha. We’ve all been there, sex so underwhelming you’re like “sigh, I’m just going to head outside and lie down in front of oncoming traffic…”

Again, we can’t help but anthropomorphize. He’s campaigning for a round 2, promising it’ll be better second time around, swearing this has never happened to him before, and quietly wondering if he should explore those nasal sprays – do they really work?

She’s still looking like she’s lost the will to live he was that bad. Erasto explains that lion sex is usually short and sharp, (on average it lasts about 20 seconds) and they’ll do it anywhere between 50 and 100 times a day while the female is in oestrus. The male’s penis is barbed and causes pain to the female on withdrawal (ouch!) The pain actually stimulates ovulation.

He’s right, because within 15 minutes the female presents again and we’re treated, if that’s the right term, to round two right in the middle of the road. They’re quite the exhibitionists.

If you’d prefer a video rather than just the still, we’ve got that for you as well. To his credit, the lion lasts a full earth shattering 28 seconds second time round!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9qZiPY-wiQ&feature=youtu.be

Then, not to be outdone, ANOTHER duo emerges from the long grass and, almost deliberately walks a good 100m to do it right against the side of another 4×4. You’ve got to give it to lions, these guys seem to love the notion of their sex tape being all over the net.

Buoyed by witnessing all this lion copulation, we declare to Erasto that we’re certain we’re going to see a Black Rhino now, and frankly just seeing one isn’t going to be enough anymore. We won’t settle for anything less than a veritable Black Rhino orgy.

We don’t see any rhino. We do, however see more exquisite wildlife, the Secretariat bird with it’s beautiful headpiece–

 

More wildebeest grazing…

And finally this beautiful boy, standing atop a rock looking absolutely bloody majestic!

And we finish the day with this vista, which almost resembles a diorama made by an eight year old didn’t know where to stop with the animal figurines.

All in all we’ve now seen 4 out of the Big 5 and three of the Aesthetically Challenged 5.

You have to agree, surely, that this was a completely amazing day. The Ngorongoro crater: Jarrod, would you go there?