Jarrod, are you feeling Neighbourly? (The Official Neighbours Tour!)

I have to kick off this post with a warning, Jarrod (which piques your interest, doesn’t it? Much like spotting an email that someone at work would ‘like to recall email abcdef.’ It immediately makes you go “would they now?! I won-der why that is….” and elevates said email to MUST READ status!) But I do have a warning, and that is that this post contains spoiler alerts for upcoming Neighbours episodes that people overseas may not have seen yet. And a teaser about upcoming story in Australia. But I figure a) they let us see this stuff on the tour, b) they didn’t ban us from taking photos, and  c) they didn’t Men In Black White Light us at the end of the tour, so we’re good to share.

So Jarrod, I know you’re no great fan of Neighbours–your tastes run more along the Sons Of Anarchy, Breaking Bad, and Underbelly lines, but I’m going to  do my darnedest to sell this tour to you. For those overseas who are unfamiliar with the show, Neighbours is Australia’s longest running TV Soap Opera. Currently in it’s 28th year, it’s launched the illustrious careers of numerous international stars.  Kylie Minogue (ARIA, Brit Award, and Grammy award winner), Liam Hemsworth (star of Hunger Games, former/current/former/current/former Miley squeeze), Guy Pearce (Memento, The King’s Speech, Priscilla…), and Dan Paris (current ‘Hair Loss Consultant’ on Ashley and Martin TV Commercials) all got their starts on the series.

The show takes place in the fictional Court (or cul de sac, for those playing overseas), which is somewhat misleadingly called Ramsay Street, and it follows the regular, day to day lives of the residents there. Now Jarrod, you and I grew up in a lovely little Court named Eton Court. Our court had eight houses, Ramsay Street has six. Let’s see how our regular, day to day lives stack up against those of Ramsay St residents:

• Deaths per year: Ramsay St = an average of 2 deaths per year;  Eton Ct = 1 death, total in 40 years
• Temporary amnesia: Ramsay St having its 14th case this year, Eton Ct = zero. (ZERO THAT WE REMEMBER, ANYWAY!)
• Shootings: Ramsay St had its 12th this year, Eton Ct = zero
• Residents pushed off cliffs: Ramsay St = 2 (the same resident, still alive, suspect he is in fact a cyborg), Eton Ct = zero

Evidently Ramsay St is built on an ancient burial ground with some serious dark energy circulating. As I see it, their options are 1) cleansing ceremony with smudge sticks and burnt sage–about a tonnes worth, 2)sacrificing a virgin to appease the dark lords, or 3) just have Murder She Wrote’s Jessica Fletcher to move in and be done with it.

Onto the tour itself now! It costs $70 per person and they run every day, twice daily on the weekends and throughout most of summer when Melbourne is overrun with sun and soapie worshipping Brits.

On a chilly Melbourne morning (sorry to explode the myth that Australia is sunny all year round, we are not perpetually in singlets (vests),  thongs (flip flops, jandals)  and shorts (ummm…. cut offs?) having barbeques beside swimming pools), we arrived at tour headquarters, raring to go and see where this TV magic happens.

We bundled onto the official Neighbours bus and headed out to first stop: Ramsay St, Erinsborough. (Which is actually a court called Pin Oak Court, in a suburb called Nunawading). It’s about a thirty minute drive and the tour leader provides you with plenty of interesting information and background, (did you know for example, that the name Erinsborough is simply the word neighbours rearranged with a couple of extra letters?) and she also screens episodes from season one waaaaaay back in the 80’s when the general rule of thumb was that your hair height had to be vertically equivalent to the length of your face. Case in Point:

So. Much. Mousse. Needed.

Before we knew it we’d arrived at Ramsay St/Pin Oak Ct and armed with our cameras, disembarked. Obviously actual residents live in the houses, so you’re restricted to just being on the footpaths and can’t meander onto their properties. (They have security guards at the court 24/7 to keep an eye on things and make sure people aren’t taking commemorative nude photos on Harold’s front lawn– yes, that actually happened. I’m not sure they understood that Harold didn’t actually live there, and wasn’t going to rush out of the house, fist shaking and jowls wobbling in indignation).

Of course I got the mandatory pictures in front of my favourite houses–The Robinson House where Jason Donovan’s Scott Robinson and his impressive mullet once resided:

Complete with balcony, perfect for Shakespearean wooing

And the Ramsay abode where Kylie Minogue’s feisty mechanic-with-a-spiral-perm Charlene dwelled.

Staking my claim like an astronaut…

And of course, the Kennedy House, home to Dr Karl Kennedy (GP, apparent specialist in all fields of medicine), and his wife Susan, aka Australia’s answer to Angelina Jolie. If you pause to so much as tie your shoelace on the footpath in front of the Kennedy house, you can be certain Susan will adopt you….

Ready to use the sign as a weapon to fight off would be adopters. Yes, Susan, I mean you.

Before reboarding the official bus, I paused for a moment to be grateful that I hadn’t chosen to sit in the back seat, because the way things line up, frankly, it looks like a delighted Dr Karl is anally probing an unsuspecting tourist.

It might be ‘just what the doctor ordered’ but I did NOT sign up for that.

From there it was onto the studios for a tour of some of the sets, and here’s where we got the skinny on what lies ahead! We arrived at the main street to find scenes of utter carnage with palm fronds everywhere. And palm fronds everywhere means one thing and one thing only.

Hurricane!

In suburban Melbourne.

Here are just some of the chilling shots. (Jarrodwouldyougothere warns readers that you will not find these in any way distressing).

Erinsborough is in for some anarchic scenes in weeks to come. No hamburgers, no mail, no antiquing, and most of all: nobody is going to know how long they’re allowed to park:

How will they ever rebuild?

These scenes did get me thinking though, Jarrod. If one is to say, be ‘discovered’ for a show such as Neighbours, you need the casting agents to know that you can nail the role of Comatose Lady, because it’s almost inevitable that your character will, at some point be unconscious. So I did some quick audition pics…

My character here is admittedly not too bright, in the face of disaster she’s not only run towards an escape vehicle which is missing a front wheel, she’s also gone to climb into the passenger seat–only to be hit in the head by a flying girder.

I think it’s a stellar performance that really begs the question: Will she survive???????????

Did someone say ‘upcoming temporary amnesia?’

We also checked out Lassiter’s Hotel, Harold’s General Store, The Watering Hole (local bar) and Lassiter’s Lake. All of which are so much smaller in real life than you’d expect from the show. (I wonder if male porn stars get that reaction as well? “I’m just surprised, it looked so much bigger on camera…”)

It’s a Pond. Lassiter’s Pond. Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, though, does it?

As Kate would know, a pagoda presents six sides through which a sniper can shoot you dead.

Anyway Jarrod, I’ve presented my case. I’m just going to kick back at Harold’s General Store to await your verdict. The Official Neighbours Tour: Jarrod, Would You Go There?