The Elusive Perfect Holiday Wardrobe

I’m not sure you give this much thought tbh, Jarrod, but it’s something that keeps me awake at night in the lead up to a trip. You’ve picked a destination, got your tickets, booked accommodation. Now comes your biggest challenge: nailing the perfect holiday wardrobe.

This is an elusive skill for most of us, and much like dancing sober, it’s something that I’m yet to properly master. In fact, I’d wager that reactions to my sober dancing and my holiday ensembles could be summed up very similarly. “I can see what she’s trying to pull off there, and look, full credit to her for giving it a go, but something’s not quite right…”

Paris 1999 Fail. Unflattering singlet, thus I’ve elected to draw the eye upward by employing a diabolical fringe situation.

Peru 2014. Now drawing the eyes downwards, away from the face

Fashion mags like to pretend they’re coming to the rescue of us sartorially challenged folk, with covers promising they’ve got our Perfect Holiday Wardrobe Sorted!

Sometimes this takes the form of a capsule wardrobe, which sounds alluringly pharmaceutical but is in fact just a few pages heralding “8 items, 20 ways!” These are almost always bullshit and not to be taken seriously as inspiration. Step away from the Pinterest board! For one, it usually involves copious layering of items. A shirt, under a dress, with a long vest draped over the top, teamed with leggings, a trench coat and scarf artfully knotted to complete the look. This is passable then the garments are laid out, rumpled ‘just so’ on a bed, or worn by a person so thin as to be almost two dimensional. If you’re a normal sized person though, you look like someone whose carer didn’t turn up to help them dress, and they just didn’t know when to stop donning shit, so they’ve shuffled out of the house like a demented lump wearing all the clothes. As if that weren’t enough, these articles sometimes take some serious licence with how garments are to be worn. More than once I’ve seen them suggest that a dress can be worn as a top tucked into pants or a skirt. IRL this creates an effect I like to call whoateallthepies.

Sometimes they’ll instead tediously, and rather predictably suggest that your wardrobe be tailored to your holiday destination and they’ll run a page dedicated to a country. Or a continent, in the case of Africa. You’re off to Africa? Oooh, how about channelling Meryl Streep from Out of Africa? A white shirt, cinched at the waist and some tailored khakis? Stylish. Ideal for glamping and delivering melancholy 500 yard stares across the savannah. I’m not sure these fashion editors are actually familiar with the plot of Out of Africa, because if they were, they’d know that they were suggesting a natty ensemble, just perfect for catching syphillis from your cheating husband, rendering you infertile….

An ensemble with brutal consequences

Otherwise animal prints feature, (you know, just to set you properly amongst the food chain) and anything vaguely ‘tribal’ in nature. This way when you meet a village elder you can solemnly introduce yourself as a member of the Supre Tribe.

Off to India? You boho babe. You’re a free spirit, an individual. (Psst, don’t worry, the uniform for being a free spirited individual is available at chain stores in every major shopping centre). You need caftans! Harem pants! Floaty, bejewelled fabrics! Gold coins on things. Whatever you do, do NOT stop embellishing. When you unzip your backpack you should be momentarily confused as to whether you’re looking at your luggage or a pirate’s buried treasure.

Unaware of the fashion rules, behold my disappointing utilitarian cargos and white t shirt

Action holidays present their own special challenges on the packing front. Mainly because I’m particularly susceptible to what I call ‘delusions of outdoorsyness.’ I’m the girl who watched Reese Witherspoon in Wild and thought “I reckon I could do that trek….” and literally exited the cinema and cracked it because it was raining and my car was parked a whole 300m away. I love the idea of being a capable trekker who looks like something that fell out of a Kathmandu/Columbia catalogue. Goose down. Thermals. Sturdy boots. And look, that gear works well in the wild, but it’s a bit redundant when you get to major cities. You don’t need hiking boots and cargos to conquer the cafe terrain of Melbourne. And once you’ve referred to a pair of cargos your ‘good, going out cargos’ then frankly an intervention is in order.

Cargos atop a mountain: tick

Cargos to go ‘trekking’ through the Grand Bazaar- unnecessary. In my defence they were my ‘going out’ cargos

So I’ve compiled some of the advice I’ve seen in various articles by way of guidance for you, hope you find it useful!

1) “Go for natural, breathable fibres like cotton, silk or cashmere.” Many models cite a cashmere sweater as a travel essential because they’re just so soft and incredibly warm. They also cost upwards of $350 and can only be washed in the lukewarm tears of poor people who’d be lucky to earn that much in a month. Forget natural fibres. Polar Fleece is your hero fabric. Seriously, it comes out of the wash, you only need to exhale on it gently and it’s dry again. Boom.

TEAM POLAR FLEECE!!

2) “Don’t take anything with you that you’re afraid to lose, leave the one off vintage buy that’s irreplaceable at home.” Sage advice. And look, don’t stop there. You’re away on holiday. WHO’S THERE to protect your vulnerable vintage buy at home? Put up razor wire. Invest in some savage guard dogs and train them to go for the throat. Surround your home with trip wires and booby traps and not the funny Home Alone kind. Instal some land mines in the vicinity of your wardrobe as a last line of defence.

Protect your vulnerable pieces

3) “Invest in a money belt for security” Absolutely! If you want every transaction you make to be imbued with the implication that “I just don’t think your countrymen are trustworthy, excuse me while I ferret around under my belt and pull this pouch out from where it’s been nestled against my groin to pay you. Let’s neither of us mention that the notes I’m handing you are warm and a little clammy.”

4) “Scarves can be your best friend!” It’s a lonely life as a fashionista, apparently, so you have to cobble together your squad using whomever or whatever you can. Your scarf can be your bestie, your cross-body bag and bangles can also be inner circle types. But don’t trust the ballet flats. Those girls are sly bitches.

Me and my BFF

5) “Only take items that mix and match well. Everything in your arsenal needs to work well with your other items” Personally I like to take items that clash, and clash hard. I want things to escalate to the point where a blouse accuses a cardigan of bullying, and puts in a formal complaint, and mediation becomes necessary. It keeps a holiday interesting having some workplace gossip.

6) “A sarong will take you straight from beach to bar” How can a garment that sounds sa rong be sa right? God bless the sarong, theoretically able be worn a myriad of ways, but in reality only ever tied around one’s waist like a towel in a locker room. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but mine never takes me straight from beach to bar. I’ve tried sitting on it like Aladdin’s magic carpet and crying “to the bar!” Nothing. I’ve tried straddling it like it’s a pool pony and nudging it with my heels. Nothing. I always wind up having to walk like some sort of pleb. I mean really, what’s the point?

7) “Always remember, your best accessory is a smile” Correct. You are on holiday after all, so don’t forget to serve up your smug, smug smile alongside your humblebrags and your attitude of gratitudes.

Smile, you’re on holiday

And when in doubt, if your travel ensemble just isn’t working for you, remember, turn your back to the camera, whack on a hat and pop your best wistful. You’ll probably earn yourself a thousand Instagram followers in the process *wink*