Gourmet Goods to Gritty Graffiti: Melbourne Laneways

Bitchez taking in some street art…

Hello there Jarrod, and of course a hearty welcome to any new readers, (better yet, welcome back to any returning visitors. Lovely to have you back). Now I have to start off with a gentle nudge–no pressure, younger brother but we are still waiting for a verdict from you on the visit I did to the zoo (ahem, a fortnight ago) for the meerkat encounter.

This week I’ve returned to the city centre for a tour of Melbourne’s laneways and arcades. You’ve probably seen/read/heard a heap of tourist information that promises out-of-towners if they JUST get off the major beat and explore the multitude of laneways they’ll be ‘rewarded as Melbourne reveals her hidden gems.’ This sort of advertising always makes me roll my eyes to be honest, it makes our city sound like a cocktease who makes you jump through mysterious hoops before she deems you worthy of a glimpse of the good stuff.

Not to mention that if you don’t know which laneways to hit, you could very well waste your time schlepping around for hours, only to walk away underwhelmed, thinking ‘okaaaaay, apparently Melbourne’s ‘hidden gems’ are drunk men urinating in alleyways (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), overflowing garbage skips and sous chefs taking their breaks seated on milk crates…’

I did debate just plotting my own course, but after some research on line I decided to book on a Hidden Secrets Tour of Melbourne Laneways. I also elected yet again to take a partner in crime on my little excursion, and after much consideration, I selected our street savvy mum, Colleen. She knows her way around a spray can.

My mum Colleen: Last seen swaggering about the city wearing her pants low slung and calling herself ‘shorty’

I’ll be honest, we had our reservations as to how much we’d take away from the tour being Melbourne born and bred, but it was brilliant. We learnt some genuinely fascinating things about the city (but I’m not going to list them here for fear of spoiling the tour should anyone else want to do it).

The tour kicks off in Fed Square, famously millions of dollars over budget not to mention over a year late to commemorate 100 years since our Federation (classic Melbourne… honestly, if this city was to conceive a baby it wouldn’t fall out of the birth canal until it was three or four years old). After some quick background on Flinders St Station it’s on to the famous Young and Jacksons Pub and of course, the notorious story of the famous nude Chloe who hangs there. (A painting, for those idiots getting their hopes up. The bars where the actual nudes hang are at the other end of the city…)

Then it’s down the subway to the underground independent stores.

There’s ALWAYS time for shopping, even when you’re darting for the train

Was momentarily tempted to purchase a special ironic Tony Abbott dishrag,  but then remembered that in order to use said dishrag, I’d have to be in the kitchen WHICH IS RIGHT WHERE TONY WANTS HIS WOMEN, so I pocketed my $$ for later…

From there it was on to Degraves St–

Sweet artwork greets you as you emerge from the subway

Found you your next set of wheels in Degraves!

then Centre Place (a longstanding favourite of mine as it’s home to Hell’s Kitchen: best Bloody Mary in the city)

Brunching and browsing in Centre Place

And then it’s on to the posher Block Arcade, where everything is quieter, cleaner and just a little more civilised. It’s where people form an orderly queue for high tea. Not entirely sure it’s your scene, Jarrod. After all, would you queue for scones and tea?

Cake worth queuing for (apparently?)

From there it’s onto the Royal Arcade where we stop for morning tea at Koko Black (included in the price of the tour). Collie goes for a classic Belgian hot chocolate and I choose the Chili Hot Chocolate. Now, I’m not going to bang on about it like some judge on a cooking show. I’m not going to be Masterchef’s smug, lip licking Matt Preston, or MKR’s weirdly unblinking Pete Evans (seriously, am I the ONLY person harbouring suspicions that he is in fact a cyborg and the food is slipping right through him like a very expensive Baby Alive?!). To tell you how good that hot chocolate was I’m going to echo Penelope Cruz as she’s being ravaged by Michael Fassbender in The Counselor and simply say that hot chocolate has “ruined me” for all future hot beverages. Sigh.

There are no shortage of interesting shops in the Royal Arcade, including (but not limited to) a magic shop, an amazing games shop and a store that exclusively sells Babushka dolls. Not to spoil the surprise, but I picked up your Christmas present there->

Bono Babushkas. That’s right. Your life is now officially complete.

Collie and I wound up the tour in Hosier Lane, more or less the street art hub of the city centre. SO SO much to take in there–this piece, for example was reportedly going to be entered into the Archibald Prize until the celebrity concerned decided she wasn’t ready to go public about the superfluous third eyeball she has in her vagina*

(* completely fabricated story but it COULD WELL BE TRUE?)

Not your average gallery crowd

I’ll post some more pictures on facebook from the tour, feel free to dart across there to have a look because the insert gallery feature on the blog doesn’t appear to be working tonight, damnit. But in the meantime, the questions remains as always Jarrod. The laneways and arcades of Melbourne:

Jarrod, would you go there?