Driving Miss Megsy (Extreme 4x4s at Avalon)

I feel the question “Would you go there?” is almost rhetorical this week, Jarrod. (And yes, I’ll give you a minute to look up the definition of rhetorical). This was a big week for the blog. Not only was it my first blog-scursion since returning from South America, it also fell on my birthday weekend, so naturally I wanted it to be something memorable. And what’s more memorable than driving an extreme 4×4? Four wheel driving, on massive 44 inch tyres, over a muddy course that the website claims “will have you questioning the laws of physics.” Whaaaaat?! Driving and physics??? Naturally I couldn’t WAIT to get out there and do a drive, then sit down with a Jim Beam and Coke for an animated discussion about cosmic inflation hypothesis.

Sold!

So I signed up for the Taster Package with Ragged Edge, located 40 mins out of Melbourne just near Avalon Raceway. The Taster gives you one lap where you drive around the course with a passenger of your choice, followed by a hot lap where you’re the passenger and one of the pros shows you how it feels if you don’t drive like Tentative is your middle name. All the details can be found here on the website:

http://raggededge.com.au

Ragged Edges indeed.

There was absolutely no question in my mind who I’d take as my passenger. My darling dad, let’s call him Tezman (because that’s actually what we do call him) took me on my very first driving lesson. It was in a manual Mitsubishi Express van, and I proceeded to bunny hop around a deserted car park. When I wasn’t stalled, swearing, and punching the steering wheel, that is. Tezman laughed so hard that he choked, doubled over, accidentally leant on the door mechanism and fell out of the van to land in the fetal position on the ground where he lay laughing for another ten minutes. Had I been able to manoeuvre the van I would’ve gladly run him over.

So I called Tezman to invite him, and he laughed so hard that he choked again. Then he called me back ten minutes later to graciously accept the invitation.

Partners In Crime

We got to the track about 30 mins before my scheduled drive and if I’m honest, the first thought that went through my head was “what the hell have I done?” Firstly, I had not banked on there being an audience. And there was a crowd of about 30 people sitting about watching other punters doing their drives. Worse still, they all looked like people who knew their way around an extreme 4×4. A crowd who were properly into cars. Cars and UFC.

Secondly, I had time to watch other drivers doing their laps and it did not buoy me with confidence. Not one bit. These massive cars on impossible angles having to rev just hard enough to clamber over huge tyres and hills, but not so hard that you roll or run over the instructor in high vis standing three metres in front of the vehicle. I was fast forwarding to the disastrous news headlines. ‘Avalon Raceway Worker Crushed In Very Low Speed Accident’…..’Inquiry Launched Into Why Inept Driver Was Allowed Behind The Wheel’….. ‘Eye Witness Reveals: We Knew It Was Going To Go Wrong. She Wasn’t Even Wearing High Vis!’

This feels ripe for disaster

Tezman was in his element, drinking it all in. Meanwhile I sat in the shade, arms crossed, legs crossed, chewing my bottom lip so hard I almost drew blood. Packing it, basically. Tezman asked me which track I hoped we would be doing. I pointed to the flat section right in front of us. “That one, with the gently undulating bumps. I’m pretty happy to just drive back and forth on that for twenty minutes.”

And before we knew it, it was kick off time. Donned a sexy hair net (was going to die looking like a particularly muddy cafeteria worker), donned a sexy helmet and we headed over for a briefing about the cars.

We’ve established I was already a bit nervous. So it was lucky we had the briefing, because after that I was properly terrified! You control the front wheels with the steering wheel, you control the back wheels with this little rear wheel lever down beside you. You push it the opposite way you want to turn. Ever reversed a trailer? No. Ok, ever steered a boat with the tiller? No. Never mind, you’ll get the hang of it! Also you need to ride the brake and the accelerator at the same time and just ease off on the brake to move. You’ll do great.

Oh God. I looked over to the spectator area which was fenced off from the track with massive tractor tyres. This would be reassuring were it not for the fact that massive tractor tyres are one of the things the 4x4s clamber over pretty readily on the track. There were going to be casualties.

What. Am. I. Doing. Here?

We started the car, I released the brake just a bit, still riding it of course, and headed off for my preferred niiiiiiiice flat section of track. I have to confess, I started proceedings with a posture that was reminiscent of Driving Miss Daisy, (did Morgan Freeman give Jessica Tandy the wheel at some point in that movie, just for shits and giggles?) But I did ok. Going in a straight line on the flat: nailed it.

Rod up my backside and tense expression: check

Turns came next, needing both full lock of the back wheels and front wheel steering as well. You have an instructor talking you through it all as you go but alarmingly he’s very close to the car and I kept mentally fast forwarding to revving that bit too hard and feeling his rib cage crack under the tyre, like a suicidal sparrow you thought was playing chicken on the road only he wasn’t actually bluffing #stillfeelthecrunchfiveyearslater. But I made the turns safely and so far I hadn’t prompted more than a snigger from Tezman; and to be fair that was about my Driving Miss Daisy observation anyway. Graduated to hills.

Did I mention I felt quite comfortable on the gently undulating hills?

We did hills, then hills and complex turns and it was AWE-SOME! Honestly there were so many spots where you look at the terrain in front of you and go “nope. I’ll just get out and you can ease it over this hill, instructor man because you are waaaaaay overestimating my capabilities if you think I can do that…” but you do and it’s total high five material. At one point I got to the stage where I had left hand on the rear wheel lever, right hand smugly turning the wheel one handed, and I was playing the accelerator and brake like a F*&%ing musical instrument and I had that a-ha moment. That moment you realise I’ve done it! I’ve tapped into my Inner Hoon!

Tezman gripping the roll bar. (Geez, have a little faith)

Corners like she’s on rails.

Killing it.

Sadly for Tezman he had to hop out for my Hot Lap with the professional driver. I’ll start my description of that by saying: If you haven’t been in a car where the driver says “see that vertical wall in front of us? We’re going to drive vertically up it…” then frankly, you haven’t really been driving.

Laws Of Physics Questioned

We did 360’s (yeah that’s right, look at me with the lingo), mud flinging up everywhere, we went though muddy water obstacles at high speed, and we drove the thing at angles that had me wondering whether we were really going to test the capabilities of the roll cage…..and it was absolutely brilliant fun.

Birthday Donuts

Optional Mudbath

Extreme Angles

Would I do it again? Let’s just say that for the past week when I’ve been in the Barina, and there’s a wall in front of me at an intersection, I get a crazy glint in my eye and think “to SOME drivers, that vertical wall would mean stop…..”

But that’s me. I’ll throw over to you, Extreme 4X4 driving- Jarrod, would you go there?

Done and dusted.